Doctor Trendy is back after a rejuvenating vacation, just in time for Valentine's Day. He is aware that the winds of change are swirling and there seems to be a lot of confusion over the rules and roles of love. In an effort to share his wisdom and provide needed love guidance, here are his responses to some of the thousands of cards and letters recently received at his Bora Bora Love Shack.
I've had it with singles bars, singles weekends at Club Med, personal ads, chat rooms on the Internet, health clubs, Match.com and eHarmony, meditation retreats and my friends' valiant but invariably doomed attempts hook me up with the proverbial "Mr. Right" or even "Mr. OK."
I would love to meet the man of my dreams, but these days all the men I meet are right out of my worst nightmare. They are losers from hell. One guy looked eerily like my idiot ex-boyfriend. -- Still Looking
Dear Still Looking:
Look no further. Your soulmate is somewhat out there and I know how you can find him. I suggest you download Dr. Trendy's Love Sensor app, a breakthrough in the love technology field that is just what the doctor ordered. Everyone is constantly giving off love vibrations, even though most people are unaware of this. The love sensor analyzes the vibrations of men you meet and signals when you meet Mr. Right by pulsating madly for 30 seconds. If it pulsates any longer, be careful. This indicates that both partners are so emotionally needy that they will suffocate each other with obsessive passion and jealous love.
Yo Dr. Trendy:
I'm down with love, but love doesn't seem to be down with me these days. So I figure I'll go looking for love at the local coffee bar, 'cause that's a cool place to chill. And cool places attract cool chicks, right? Now, I'm a double-cappuccino with chocolate shavings on top kind of guy, and I'm checking out the ladies looking for a double-latte girl and if she's a redhead all the better.
Well, it was a slow day and I'm knocking back my fourth double, when in walked this vision of loveliness, and she was a redhead. She ordered a double-latte. I asked her if I could join her and she said, "Yeah, why not?" So we're getting along real fine and suddenly all four doubles kicked in and I couldn't shut up, rambling incessantly about obscure rappers, the Bermuda Triangle and tats. She finished her latte and left, but not before telling me I couldn't hold my coffee and should look for help at Cappuccinos Anonymous. Doc, help me. -- Hurtin' for Certain
You swallowed the bitterest pill of all -- rejection -- much worse than the bitterest double-cappuccino served in the worst ersatz espresso bar in the trendiest part of town. Remember, next time, easy does it my man. Sip those double-cappuccinos. And love does make the world go round. So when you fall off the love merry-go-round, you really don't have a choice but to brush yourself off and get back on.
Dear Wise One:
For most of my life I was hardcore romantic with a strong love jones. Buy me flowers, Godiva chocolates, take me to a Hungarian restaurant with a gypsy violinist, write me love poetry, leave me phone messages expressing your undying love and I would fall madly in love with you.
All I thought about was the relationship, love and romance. I was incapable of living life on life's terms. And I was never really fulfilled. Then I discovered "Survivor" and I fell out of love with love. Now, I'm in love with surviving and the idea of being on a deserted island in the South Pacific or somewhere in the Australian Outback, or really anywhere I could be with a group of 15 strangers who want to be the last survivor and win the $1 million. I want to be the embodiment of the Survivor motto: Outwit, Outplay, Outlast!
I'm obsessed with the show. I tape it and watch it over and over, preparing what I consider to be a game winning strategy. When I'm not watching the show, I'm at "Survivor " sites chatting with like-minded people. I am now fulfilled. -- I Have Spoken
Well, it just goes to show that these days, fulfillment can be found in the strangest places. You went from obsessing about love to obsessing about survival. Ironic, since without love, all you are doing is surviving. Be careful of your alliances. The Tribe has spoken.
Barry Halpin can be reached at email@example.com.